Should My Loved One Still Drive?

Is it Time to Take the Keys?

Photo by Max Ostwalt on Unsplash

Having the you shouldn’t drive anymore conversation is dreaded by spouses, siblings, and children alike.

I remember about 14 years ago when I was in an automobile accident. I broke my left wrist and my left ankle, as well as receiving a lovely concussion and stitches on the top of my head.

And I’m so disappointed about the head injury too because now I have a dent up there and I cannot shave my head or everyone will see it. 🤣

Anyway, due to being broken head to toe, I was unable to drive for several weeks, relying mostly on my son to help me. He moved in with me for those few weeks and helped with everything when he wasn’t working.

I felt so dependent, and I felt like a burden.

And that’s mostly why people are so hesitant to give up their driving rights. You lose your independence, and you feel like you’re a burden to anyone who is then asked to take you where you need to go.

What they fail to realize is that the burden is already on their loved ones – worrying about every single time they go out, wondering if they’ll get in or cause an accident, get lost and end up in Cincinnati or Cleveland, or worse yet for those of us in OSU country – Xichigan (we don’t say the “M” word in Columbus).

The good news for us was that we just stopped allowing Dad to drive without the big discussion. He probably should have stopped driving well before we stopped him, and I must admit that COVID helped a lot here because there was nowhere for him to go.

But we never had to have the conversation with him. He would say, “Do you need me to take you?” and we would kindly reply, “No, we have it taken care of.” He was always satisfied with that answer.

So, how do you know when it’s time for your loved one to stop driving?

You Must Monitor Their Driving

My middle daughter always told me things like, “I saw Grammy driving today. She was…” and then she’d go on to tell me whatever story she had to tell about that driving adventure. Sometimes it was that Mom was going really slow, while other times, she’d be half in one lane, half in another.

Somehow, I managed to fold it into a conversation once. I think she was talking about how terrible drivers are these days – and she isn’t wrong, but it was an opening, and I took it.

Mom is the kind of person who needs suggestions and then, many times, she can come to her own conclusions, which, if you’re lucky, are the same conclusions you wanted her to come to.

It wasn’t long after this that she decided she would stop driving at age 80, which was less than a year away. Meanwhile, she wasn’t comfortable on the highway, so she allowed me to drive her many places anyway.

I didn’t ride with my mother much after I moved in. Either she was driving herself or I was driving, but after hearing my daughter’s stories, I was happy to hear her voluntarily give it up.

As I mentioned in another article or note, she also voluntarily gave up her driver’s license a few weeks ago upon renewal.

With Dad, the moment was very real and dangerous. Mom was with him and wasn’t feeling well. I don’t know where I was, but she asked him to take her somewhere – probably to the pharmacy, and when they were returning home, he got confused and turned into oncoming traffic, in front of an ambulance.

You need to know how well they’re driving, and unfortunately, the only way to do that is to ride with them or follow them. Ask yourself some of these questions:

• Are they going too slow?

• Are they making what appear to be last minute decisions – changing lanes, sudden stops and turns, etc.?

• Are they aware of other drivers, or do they seem to be cutting people off in traffic or doing other things as if they’re the only person on the road?

• Are they confusing the gas and brake?

• Are there a few extra dings or dents in the car?

• Are they obeying traffic signals and signs?

• Do they seem to be lost?

• Do they get agitated when driving?

Our neighbor next door doesn’t have dementia, but she still shouldn’t be driving. She has hit her mailbox so many times that the condo association had to fix it. Her poor Honda Civic has a seriously messed up rear passenger bumper.

Dementia Isn’t an All-Encompassing ‘You Shouldn’t Drive’ Diagnosis-Mostly

When your loved one is first diagnosed, they may still be able to drive. Dad was okay going to pickleball because the outdoor facility was about a half mile or so in one direction and the indoor was maybe a mile. Two turns to get to outdoor, one turn to get to indoor.

He was also able to run to the grocery store – we have three within a mile. Again, these were one or two turn trips.

Sadly, both of them were almost seriously injured before we realized it was time for him to stop.

Since each type of dementia is different, and each person experiences dementia differently, you must be aware of where your loved one is in his or her cognitive decline. We were so afraid to have the ‘you don’t drive anymore’ conversation with Dad that we let it go too long. We were lucky nobody was injured!

Look for the warning signs above either when you’re riding with your loved one or if you follow behind.

You can also tell if it’s time by how they act at home. We would tell Dad he had an appointment and send him off to the shower. He would come out and ask, probably a dozen times, ‘Where am I going?’

If he can’t remember at home, he isn’t going to remember while he’s driving either.

Do a Formal Driving Evaluation

Where we live, this was The Ohio State University. They have a driving assessment that they do there. I couldn’t tell you anymore what department it’s in, but a neurologist would know, and perhaps your PCP.

Sadly, Dad passed his evaluation. We have no clue how. The woman found him delightful and thought he was a fine driver.

He still never drove again. That told me that she didn’t know much about dementia. He could fool you pretty well in conversation for a short period of time.

Still, that doesn’t mean that the person who does your loved one’s evaluation will be so flakey. It’s a great tool, and if they find your loved one cannot drive, it’s automatic. The license is gone. They are required to report this to the BMV.

Consider the Laws of Your State

Some states have specific laws on driving and dementia, so be sure to check what your state says.

California, Delaware, Oregon, and Pennsylvania require physicians to report it to the BMV when they make a dementia diagnosis. In Washington, the requirement is that you self-report a dementia diagnosis.

While other states don’t require reporting, they do encourage people to report what they see. Law enforcement, physicians, family members, and even people who observe the driving of someone they don’t know are encouraged to report it to the BMV.

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Gauge the Cognitive Decline

You might not see the signs when your loved one is driving. Aside from what I mentioned earlier – Dad not remembering where he was going before we even left, there are some other dementia-related signs to watch out for.

The first is that their decision-making skills are slowing down or compromised.

With Dad, this became apparent when he would choose his own lunch. This was before I started making it for him and putting it in the fridge. He would get a bag of chips and take a few. If left alone, he’d just keep eating them, likely until they were gone.

But I’d always hear the packaging and I’d make him a sandwich.

Another sign is difficulty processing information.

If you find your loved one is unable to follow instructions, they likely won’t be able to process traffic signs or signals either, or may have difficulty recalling the steps to use to even operate the vehicle.

If your loved one is having significant memory problems, like I mentioned above with Dad, it’s another sign. When their memory is significantly compromised, they won’t remember where to go once they get in the car.

Whenever I drove Dad somewhere, he’d ask at least five or six times where we were going. I’d always put on the Sirrius XM 50’s music channel and he’d get lost in the music.

One big sign is slowed reaction times. Our reactions naturally slow as we age, but there comes a point when that indicates that it’s time to stop driving.

This is what happened to Dad. That and the fact that our lovely little community put some confusing turn lanes in. He saw the ambulance and he couldn’t think fast enough to properly react.

Another thing you might not think of, because I didn’t, is a decrease in coordination. Using the steering wheel can become a big challenge if coordination isn’t what it once was. Changing lanes, turning, and even just driving in general can become a real problem.

And here’s another many don’t think of – decline in vision and/or hearing. Dad had both. He was legally blind and his glasses did a lot for him, but even with them on, his vision was awful.

I never knew how bad until I started going to his eye appointments with him. And Mom’s is about the same, except she never wore glasses until later in life.

Dad’s hearing loss, about six months before he passed, was 60% - that’s 60% loss, not 60% there. Moms hasn’t been evaluated so I’m not sure what hers is, but it’s not good!

Hearing and vision are essential in driving. For as long as I can remember, as soon as I hear a siren in the distance, I’ll crack my window so I can tell where it’s coming from.

But if you can’t hear it, you can’t get out of the way and you become a hazard for the emergency vehicles.

And seeing is an obvious one.

Things to Consider

While it is most definitely a dreaded conversation, it’s still necessary. I am beyond grateful that Mom gave up driving willingly. She saved me many headaches.

What you don’t want to do is avoid the conversation out of fear, only to have your loved one get seriously injured or cause serious injury to someone else. Your fear is a small thing in comparison to the health of others.

Also, rely on the assessment of others who may end up riding with your loved one, like their friends or other relatives. If they show concern, don’t ignore it.

Cars are motorized weapons, when you get right down to it, and you wouldn’t give your loved one a loaded gun, so don’t give them a heavy weapon on wheels to aim at people either.

And finally, consider how your loved one will get around, once their driving privileges are no longer there. If you live with your loved one, it might be easy, but if not, who will be there? Remember, if your loved one is still somewhat cognitively aware, they won’t want to be a burden. Have the who will drive Mom around conversation without her in the room.

Wrap Up

If your luck runs like ours did, your loved one will either already be at the point of not remembering that they don’t drive, or they’ll get there soon enough.

The conversation we were dreading never happened. We just removed his keys from the little basket he kept them in, never laid them in sight, and it was never an issue. We did a lot on the out of sight, out of mind philosophy.

When Mom and I were in the BMV to turn her license into an ID, we saw two gentlemen who had no business driving, but the BMV was powerless to do anything about it without seeing either of them drive.

The first came in right after we did. He couldn’t handle the kiosk, so one of the office staff came to help him, but then, he couldn’t tell her all the answers either (where do you live, what business do you need to do today).

He sat there, agitated, waiting for his turn until the woman who had helped him asked one of the gals to just take him next (and get him out the door). He proceeded to a desk and couldn’t follow the instructions to do the eye exam.

It took them multiple tries and people to get him through it. Then, they thought all he needed was a new sticker for his plates, and he announced that he also needed something else – a license maybe. We got called up and that’s all I heard but oh my did I want out of that parking lot before he was done!

The other gentleman was a sweet little old man who reminded me of my grandfather. He was all bent over, baggy britches and all, and if I had to guess, I’d say he was nearing 90. His big problem, at least the only one I observed, was that he couldn’t hear.

I get them doing vision tests, but I’m thinking they should do hearing tests too!

Don’t rely on others to make these decisions for your loved one. Be proactive in keeping yourself, others, and your loved one safe by knowing when it’s time to pull the keys.

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Have you gone through this with your loved one? How did it go?